Today, a man tweeted me to say just because he’s a bloke, it doesn’t mean he couldn’t ‘understand’ what it was like to be pregnant.
He ‘understood’ what it was like to be pregnant.
Oh thank goodness!
Probably a lot like all us women who ‘understand’ what it’s like to be chopped in the bollocks.
So! Man on the internet. Let’s go through this checklist, and you can let me know what YOU’VE experienced in the past nine months. I’m really keen to hear your thoughts, seeing as you ‘understand’ what it’s like… as opposed to just sympathising or empathising.
- Getting the sweats and perspiring to the point your bum cheeks make your newly acquired preggo underwear sodden.
- Three months (if you’re lucky) of being sick, feeling sick, being on the verge of being sick, wondering what you can do to stop being sick.
- Bleeding gums. Either, just because they feel like it or because you’ve eaten so many dry biscuits (to prevent the sickness) your teeth feel like they need to escape your mouth.
- Your boobs looking a little bit crapper. That’s annoying isn’t it? Your boobs used to be so nice too.
- Your stomach expanding. I haven’t developed stretch marks but I’ve heard it can be quite an adjustment to get on board with. Maybe you had them?
- Needing a wee every 10 minutes. And then running to the toilet, only to squirt out urine that’d only be sufficient coming out of Max Clifford’s micro-penis.
- Swollen feet. The sort old ladies squash into those manky grey shoes.
- A human bending, kicking, poking, stretching you from the inside. Which actually isn’t terrible at all (as you’d know of course), until it gets quite large and then like to run it’s fingernails down your innards.
- Anaemia. The usual, y’know… feeling light-headed, close to fainting, in desperately need of food, the shakes. I’m sure you’ve stocked up on your iron though.
- Sleeping in a throne of pillows! It’s quite fun if you just imagine you’re King John from Robin Hood, all majestic and hairy. One pillow either side of your hips and two behind your head. Do you find it helps you sleep through and not wake up with your baby suffocating you? Me too, me too.
- Three toilet trips a night.
- Horrendous calf cramp, which apparently is nothing to do with mineral deficiency but more about your baby pushing on your nerve endings. Silly baby.
- Sciatica. Do you have to cha-cha slide away from things in public too? Or risk screaming in part pain/part laughy-spasms too? Embaz isn’t it LOL.
- Weight gain. That extra chin’s a bastard isn’t it? Probably makes your Adam’s Apple look a bit less bulbous though so, men win there!
- Cravings. I hope your wife/girlfriend/lady in your life nips out if you fancy a bath sponge/piece of charcoal/rubber duck to gnaw on.
- Being told you can’t do anything. No caffeine, nothing that might pull on the tummy, no Mr whippy ice-cream (I know, right?), YES you can go out with your friends of an evening but obviously no drinking and don’t go anywhere with slightly boomy music because the baby may not like it, oh and YES you can go to a spa but no going in anything bubbly or hot and of COURSE you can eat out but avoid basically all the really nice cheeses and fish courses and pate and oooooh runny egg and hey! Why not go to the zoo! Oh but actually, you *might* contract something so probs best to avoid and seriously, no sitting near the emergency exits on planes otherwise you’ll get moved to an appropriate seat. Dull isn’t it? Have you found it dull?
- Mood swings. I bet when you cried because you just really wanted pizza and it wasn’t ready in the oven yet and then you did a big laugh because you realised how mental the crying was eeeeveryone around you took delight in mentioning how the mood swings ‘must have kicked in!’
- Heartburn. Apparently some people have to swill Gaviscon like ALL day. Are you one of them? Maybe you’re having a hairy baby!
- Being mega, mega tired because of the cramps, pillow throne, excessive weeing, possible suffocation thing. Have you found it hard to be chipper in the day because you’re snoozy? Have you found it annoying when people say ‘Oh, well it’s all good practise for when baby comes!’. HA. Funny isn’t it. Really aids the mood swings.
Anyway. I’m sure there’s a few things I’ve missed. I actually haven’t had a torrid time during pregnancy nor experienced a lot of the above points, but I’m sure you have. And I COMPLETELY understand.
Can’t wait to hear all about your labour.