Porn – 8 rubbish scenarios.

 

1.        Plumber/Handyman

Sandy arrived home from Sharm El Sheikh about 2 weeks ago and the raging shits she brought back with her still haven’t quite cleared. After a pebbledash nightmare she’s managed to block the u-bend, and rather than delve into the sorry mess herself she’s called a handyman round. Fast forward the standard chat about ‘servicing her pipes’ and Sandy realises through the flecks of her own faeces how much his whitewash dungarees turn her on. Nevermind the fact she’s spent the last 14 days as a human gravy boat, this man’s HOT. So she’s going to bend over. You go girl. 

2.        Policeman/prisoner

Police stations up and down the country are apparently full to the brim of chicks leaning suggestively against walls in sexy stripper shoes just *waiting* for a good going over by PC Plumb’s truncheon. In reality, unless PC Plumb likes having some horizontal fun with a greasy-haired woman who shoved a £12 pair of Peacocks espadrilles down her pants, he’s not in for a great night. 

3.        Mechanic

Upon visiting a garage, most of your energy’s taken up wondering why such a large quantity of your bonus is going on repairing a dent the size of a gnat’s cock. The rest, attempting not to spanner your boyfriend to death for causing said dent. Garages aren’t happy places. There’s no amount of Kevin Webster lookalikes or boiler suits to make you want to hitch up your bodycon dress and get banged over the bonnet of a Jag. 

4.        Housewife/Older woman

There’s not much to say here. Other than it’s hugely admirable a guy named ‘Chad’, or something equally embarrassing, can keep back a solid 10 minutes of his day to visit a drained 40 year old’s house to bum her over a sofa while she looks dead behind the eyes and tries to remember if she checked her husband’s jeans for Saturday’s lottery ticket before popping them in the washing machine. Top bloke. 

5.        Fun in the barn

There’s a girl lying seductively in a hay-filled barn, except she doesn’t look at ALL like Leslie, the girl you went to school with who chose ‘agricultural studies’ at Nottingham Uni and wore a lot of khaki. This one’s in a less than practical combination of denim skirt, gingham shirt and no knickers so it can only be assumed she’s been stuck there since getting shitfaced at Saturday night’s charity barn dance.

 Luckily for her, a local farmer’s son’s just strutted through the doors wearing a fetching pair of dungarees and she’s going to ask him for directions. Right after she’s deepthroated his pitchfork. And worked out whether or not the hay’s given her thrush.

 6.        Nuns

 Every single nun in the whole entire world is old. They were born old. They’ll always be old. They’re old. If you need any more explanation as to why this scenario is rubbish, then you need another website. Or the photo of a hairy, squashed frog thrust at you.

7.        Gang bang

Not the sort where a bevy of men cavort with an equal number of women under the pretence they’re all married and having some super-sexy swingers party…we’re talking about the ones where a line of girls are positioned on all fours around a glistening LA pool like some sort of anal armed forces, while a disappointingly unattractive man chooses one to limply pump his tallywacker into every few minutes. 

Curiously, when it’s not their turn, the girls get busy making cooing noises, looking a bit thick or waving an offensive sex toy at whoever’s lying next to them . Enthusiasm’s not been this low since you were hooked up to a beeping coma machine.

If this is to EVER going to be less depressing, the willing females really need to be provided with something exciting while waiting for their turn. Maybe they could crack out Kerplunk, read The Grapes of Wrath. Or finish the synopsis to their thesis on Female Subversion In Western Culture which has been bugging them all week. The possibilities are endless.  

8.        Window cleaner

A handsome yet rugged male, happily surviving on the pisspoor wages of a window cleaner catches the eye of his female client. She spends the next few days flirting through the glass, letting him ‘accidentally’ catch her as she slides into decadent underwear, when *finally* the suspense is too much and he clambers through the window to make passionate love to her on the marital bed.

Reality – You’re feeling a bit ropey after suffering from a three week long cold that just won’t shift and have decided to take the day off work. Getting dressed you throw on a pair of dull green pants because they hold everything in and don’t give you a front wedgie, followed by a black bra you found in the dirty basket. You stand in front of your mirror, slump and breathe out as much as you can, because it makes you look pregnant with an alien and it’s a little bit funny. The sun’s shining through the window, highlighting every bruise, ripple of cellulite and stray hair….you look like shit. But it’s fine. Because only you can see.

And then you notice a spotty gimp at the window wearing a lot of Kappa and holding a bucket of suds. Oh ‘eff off.

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