Man, I feel like a woman

At some point, probably while I was sleeping or shopping in Reiss for the 1337th time this year, the world slipped off it’s axis and jiggled things around a bit. Nothing serious…Shannon Matthews’ mum hasn’t become head of Social Services or anything…but something’s definitely changed.

Men have become women. And not good ones. Full-blown, whiney, likely to secretly snip holes in a condom women.

There are many occasions on which this has been brought to my attention recently…all of which make me long for the days when a man would barely look up from his corned beef sandwich if his wife had dragged her bloodied stump of a body in from the kitchen after a nasty meat cleaver accident before heading back to the mines. All also make me lose any sort of interest in ever interacting with the opposite sex and make me question whether morphing into a clingy fruitbat has become the lifestyle version of the LBD.

For starters, it seems we’ve all been so focused on making sure girls stop tearing one another into shreds that we forgot to mention it to the males. Nowadays, if I hear any gossip or snidey remarks – it’s from men, it’s always completely wrong and it normally revolves around girls. Of late, women have realised there are much more interesting topics to discuss than whether Claire’s got a fanny like a packet of ham…whereas men have grabbed it with both balls and actually begun working it into their pick-up attempts. Last week on a night out with some friends, a bloke who’d first approached me to say I looked arrogant, then went on to tell me off for being abrupt and suggested I “say something nice, or gimme a compliment” to rectify the situation. When I responded by giving him my best deadpan expression he asked if my beauty spot was real while poking my face and then assured me I wasn’t to worry because he’d still bang me. Dripping at the thought.

Along with this is the sudden influx of men we shall call ‘limpets’. For years, guys have laughed about the utter cling-ons they’ve encountered. The sort of women who sleep with them after six too many Blue WKDs, leave the next morning and text within minutes to say “I never normally do that lol! but it was really fun, are you free tomorrow?” followed by “not sure if you got my last txt, fone’s playing up lol. U free tomorrow?” and then “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT DID I DO?” However……..the girls are learning. Sure, there are still some out there who aren’t quite on the ticket but now it’s the guys you can’t get rid of.

A friend of mine received a text yesterday with the sentence – “Just letting you know I’m alive! What are you up to?” followed up by no less than ELEVEN further texts…without her responding once. If women so much as double text, a round-robin telegram’s sent to anyone the recipient might know declaring her mentally unstable. And this isn’t the only example…it’s a very regular occurrence in the lives of my friends and I. When I split up with my partner of nearly 5 years, one of our so-called best friends sent me a baffling photo of his manhood less than a week later so I (obviously) cut contact. Last week I received a text from him and upon failing to get a response, just a mere 20 minutes later he sent a barrage of “What’s your problem?!” messages.

Lastly…men have now decided the outdoors-y thing’s just far too messy. Tell a man you want to go camping, hiking, bike-riding etc nowadays and watch them scrunch their noses up and recoil as though they’d just watched you drag yourself out of a badger den; “Why would you want to, like, get cold? You don’t have to pretend you like that you know, I’m all up for luxury”. Oh thank goodness…yes, when said I wanted to escape the city for fun in the countryside what I really meant was book me an hour with my face stuck in a hole while a woman called Mimi pummels my thighs and ruins my fake tan.

I went rock-pooling and crab-fishing while back at home this weekend. I went on an 8 mile hike. And I also had a lads night with some of the loveliest blokes I could wish to spend my time with who didn’t once rip into me or anyone else, but then again, Dover’s always a little bit behind with current trends. This blog’s obviously a huge generalisation…but recent events really have caused me to worry. Forget the Ebola virus, Boots pharmacy can sort that. THIS is a real epidemic.

14 comments
  1. LJJ said:

    Great piece Miss V!
    Second paragraph bang on the money… lost count of the amount of times I’ve got a “Smile” whilst fingers are thrust at the corners of my mouth to physically encourage the expression.
    Would genuinely prefer to hear ‘get your tits out’, at least it’s a semi-compliment!

  2. Kevin Peters said:

    Allow me to clarify this ‘epidemic’ as a dicotomy. There are ‘clingy’ men and ‘unclingy’ men. You seem to be associating with or attracting the former. To say all men are hostage to this socail faux pas is like saying all women are WAGs. The generalistion thankfully doesn’t hold.

    Maybe you’d be sooner questioning you’re own social circles than jumping to broad generalizations that encompass half the species?

    • susie3v said:

      Hi Kevin. At the end of my blog I do actually confirm that I’m generalising. I also remarked on the lovely circle of friends I have, who thankfully dispel the annoying comment that women often make of “all men are (insert derogatory term here)”
      As someone who’s reasonably new to single life, I’m merely using my blog to chat about my experiences. I apologise if it offends you but, seeing as you’re not a 24 year old female on the London dating scene, it’s probably tricky for us to agree on everything.

      • Kevin Peters said:

        No, not in the slightest bit offended and nor am I looking for consenus.

        It was an interesting read and certainly not the first time I’ve heard observations similar to it. Not least amongst my own friends.

        I guess it’s the just the unfortunate reality of single / dating life. Weeding out the chaf comes part in parcel. Part of me does hope though that you’re approached with similar chat up lines though, if only for that fact that it makes for good reading.

      • susie3v said:

        Well I appreciate the feedback, and I certainly don’t expect everyone to agree with me.

        I’m sure there’ll be plenty more posts…it’s quite nice hearing everyone has similar encounters!

  3. Rachael said:

    Cannot even begin to tell you how much I loved this blog post. Seriously!!

  4. Taniyama Kazuhisa said:

    Amusing, if nonsense. Some men act like women, some women act like men. Fortunately, none of them are likely to attain positions of power or influence which would affect the rest of the population, so the world will carry on as normal.

    I feel compelled to nitpick at the last two lines, just in case someone stumbles upon this while actually in need of advice on what to do if they should be infected with the Ebola virus. Since it is one of the most highly-infectious viruses known to exist, all effort should be made to AVOID population centres. In the unlikely event of you being infected and somehow being in or near a major city, walking into a pharmacy and asking for Nurofen will not only hasten your own demise but most probably cause that of everyone else in the pharmacy as well.

    Contact a doctor and remain indoors until you can be transferred to a secure medical facility. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) should also be informed.

    • susie3v said:

      Yes, the world *will* carry on as normal. At least I hope so….if the Universe rested on my blog then we’d all be screwed.
      Secondly, many thanks for your tips re: the Ebola virus. I doubt Boots would have been happy with everyone plodding down there for Nurofen thanks to my recommendation.

      • Taniyama Kazuhisa said:

        If my reply came across as criticism I apologize, that wasn’t my intention. I have a background in haemorrhagic fever research and I have the habit of offering my advice/opinion whether it is warranted or not. Again, my apologies.

        I would very much like to attend the wedding with your friend Dave, but only on the condition that he acts like a woman. 😉

      • susie3v said:

        It didn’t come across as criticism at all! It just made me laugh because I hadn’t even thought that would be part of the post someone would pick up on. I’m all up for healthy advice.
        I’ll let him know. He’s a lonely old sausage.

      • Taniyama Kazuhisa said:

        Oh dear, that is a shame – I don’t like sausages. Please let him down gently on my behalf. 😉

        For what it’s worth, your blog made me chuckle as well. Keep up the good work!

  5. Mark said:

    I completely agree with your statements the real pukka gent has seem to disappeared. Luckily I am farmer and fall short of all your remarks haha!

  6. tyrkovacs said:

    A very interesting read.

    I stumbled onto your blog through your most recent entry (“Sex, Lies and Rinsing Guys”) and after a quick scroll down I found an entry I could comment on knowledgeably (I don’t watch TV and haven’t seen you in such a long time that commenting on your tramp based adventures would be out of turn).

    Men ARE becoming like women, this has been the case slowly since the dawn of the metrosexual in the late 90s and since then there have been countless books, articles, radio shows and TV programs on how to “get in touch with your feminine side” to try to break the cave-man conditioning of male domination.
    And it’s not all twaddle and poppycock: Men should be aware of the advances of feminism over the last few decades, taking a little pride in your appearance isn’t such a bad thing, and the freedom to pursue any hobby, regardless of whether it’s “manly” or not is liberating.

    But, if you’ll indulge my hypothesis, here’s the rub: It’s targeting the wrong people

    The “Manly Men Men” that are mentioned in these articles, the ones that visibly recoil in horror at the mention of moisturiser, career women, or eating a salad; these men wouldn’t ever read one of these books for fear of social rejection, let alone act on them. They will stay the same as they have been for decades past.

    The men that are reading and acting on the “be more like a woman” trend are the men that really don’t need it. They’re already fine with equal rights and pursuit of personal happiness and the idea that red meat doesn’t have to be part of *every* meal. But the magazines and such demand they do more. They push and push and insist that men are too stuck in their Don Draper ways. So they go too far and become the preening, fawning, whining (wo)men you mention.

    I only hope eventually natural selection will allow a happy medium between the two extremes to flourish. Only time will tell.

    I realise I’ve rambled on for a comment almost as long as the blog itself, I do get carried away a little.
    But, if I may, I have one other observation to note: the men trying to pick you up in bars without complimenting you.

    What you’ve encountered there is a member of a very fascinating sub-culture called “Pick-up artists”. They have websites and books and seminars for the sole purpose of attracting women (The Game by Neil Strauss was probably the first global building block for the movement, it’s very interesting). Slightly different to the womanly men you’re talking about (although there is an overlap), these “PUAs” think that to give a woman a compliment is akin to giving her the strings to control them like puppets. If a woman feels better about herself than she does about them, she won’t sleep with them and thus, they lose that “game”.

    XKCD came up with what might be the best response I’ve ever seen to a “neg” (Negative compliment: slight insult made to appear complimentary, e.g. “Is that beauty spot real? No? Oh well”.

    If you get “negged” again, this might well help: http://xkcd.com/1027/

    Hope this comment made sense, I apologise for the length of it (said the vicar to the actress), and I look forward to future blogs for you.

    J

    *May the road rise up to meet you, and the wind be at your back*

    • susie3v said:

      This is a wonderful response! Don’t apologise for the length of it (that’s what she said) at all, all comments are welcome.
      I can completely understand what you’re saying, I found it difficult not to come across as a man-basher but was simply fed up with the behaviour I’d come across on recent nights out.
      I too hope that sooner rather than later, the two will blend to reach the sort of man I’d enjoy spending time with. We can only hope.
      With regards to The Game, I’m hoping to grab a copy for myself this weekend and have a read as quite a few people have mentioned it. Should be interesting…..

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