I’m not going to work anymore…after watching Channel 4’s ‘Sex, Lies and Rinsing Guys’ I’ve realised there’s absolutely no point in getting up at 6am every morning, spending half an hour tensing my bumcheeks enough to successfully train-surf without landing on the lap of a man who looks like he cry-wanks every night, and sitting in front of a computer screen for eight hours. Nope, I’m hitching a ride on the Rinsing Bus.
For those of you who foolishly swerved it, here’s a quick synopsis – we’re all living life completely wrong! Sorry…all us WORKING WOMEN are living life completely wrong. Like total mugs, there we were all trotting off to the office every morning when unbeknown to us, there are guys existing who are perfectly happy to drizzle us with diamonds without wanting so much as a teabagging in appreciation! For they are our friends.
It’s a bit of an eye-opener to me because over the past say, 20 years…not *one* of my friends has offered to lob an FCUK dress in my direction. I’m starting to question who the heck I hang with.
The brilliant thing is, after doing some really good concentrating on the programme I noticed that pretty much *anyone* can have a go. I got the impression it helped to have a clear list of exactly *what* you’d like to be showered with (no-one wants a pack of sanitary towels and some corned beef) and shove it on the net, because then they can check it without bothering you. Don’t worry about being polite either, hellllllll no. Fancy a Cartier watch? Shove it down. Seen some Jimmy Choo’s you thought you’d have to save up for? Just take a cheeky snap on your iphone and text it to them (then use that iphone to make a hasty call to Orange and get your direct debit cancelled. Not your problem anymore.)
It also seems to help if you’re winning in the personality department. While talking, say sentences like “I’ve just dranken some champagne” or “I want to be a businesswoman. I done a website” with such aplomb that you’ll probably get loads flocking around you because you’re really interesting to be with and the kind of woman men love listening to.
It’s also important you keep yourself a tidy, little body. OBVIOUSLY you don’t *have* to, you’re in charge here. It’s just, y’know, no-one wants friends who look like the reflection of Susan Boyle in a spoon. So to conclude, the friendship would benefit from a sturdy pair of fake breasts and some how-does-she-wipe-her-bum-with-them talons.
Finally, don’t feel as though you’re letting the female, or indeed human species down. Don’t give feminism a second thought. Don’t worry that you might be exploiting yourself and taking advantage of lonely and quite frankly, deluded men who probably spend a lot of time watching Television X or his collection of Saw DVD’s. No…you carry on making your children proud of you and gaining bundles of self-worth.
Take this advice, go forth and prosper. I’m just going to take a moment to dwell on my Daddy issues and then webcam the bejesus out of my friend Clive. Let’s kick it bitches.