Liz Jones. Elizabeth Ann Jones. She’s a quirky little sausage isn’t she? Described as the Countess of Confessional Journalism by some and ‘that nutjob who somehow wangled a column at The Daily Mail’ by the rest of us, Liz brilliantly manages to put a warped, predominantly negative slant on every single aspect of life.
For those of you who are sensible, and don’t like reading things that make you want to lick battery acid rather than carry on living…I’m going to run through a few of her best articles/quotes, and add some thoughts.
1) “A warning to men wishing to avoid any chance of unwanted fatherhood: if a woman disappears to the loo immediately after sex, I suggest you find out exactly what she is up to.”
This cheery quote comes from an article where Jones chatted about being driven to becoming a ‘sperm stealer’ because of her longing for a baby. She warned all the male Daily Mail readers who browse her column (a grand total of 7 probably) to watch out for signs that their wives and partners were going down the same path. Now, men can be weirded out by the mere mention of babies without Jones storming in and wiping her ovaries all over the show…so THANKS FOR THAT LIZ. Just to confirm, most of us will decide to become mothers at the same time our husbands feel ready to become fathers. We’ll probably do this thing where our husband puts his penis into our vagina, gets a bit excited and does a spunk. We won’t be lying on the floor of our bathroom, legs akimbo, holding a depressingly saggy condom over our crotch yelling “I’M DOING NOTHING, DON’T COME IN. YOU WON’T LIKE WHAT YOU SEE” at our terrified partner on the other side of the door. To conclude, if we’re in the bathroom after sex, we’re probably checking our foundation hasn’t gone blotchy and having a piss so we don’t get cystitis.
2) “Sport in school is the worst thing you can possibly inflict on children, particularly girls who are going through puberty and are necessarily self-conscious, often in pain and often vulnerable.”
Another load of drivel, taken this time from a column where Jones discusses how she believes sport should be banned from schools because it’s the anti-christ and the main cause for terrorism and AIDS. Jones’ main arguments here are that girls end up looking ‘sinewy’, and that it alienates those who aren’t good enough to compete. If I remember correctly, while doing P.E at school I was normally too busy enjoying myself or getting annoyed that my netball skirt wasn’t short enough to attract attention from a random male sixth former who might happen to walk by as I was pivoting (I went to an all girls school, you had to grab opportunities where you could) to contemplate whether or not I looked like a pasty Fatima Whitbread. With regards to those that don’t enjoy it. TOUGH. It’s important to exercise, just do the bare minimum if you don’t like it. No P.E teacher will drill you ’til you shit yourself or sick up on the athletics field because they’re not allowed to. Also, I’m mathematically dyslexic and went to a school where they considered you special needs if you didn’t know your ‘variables’ from your ‘integers’. You learn to get over doing things you don’t enjoy kids.
3) “I look down, and a little boy aged three, called Hassan, is looking up at me with a great big snotty grimace. He’s not about to steal my phone: he’s just trying to put his tiny fist in mine. In any case, I realise, my fears are ridiculous. Who would he call? What would he look up on the internet?”
Someone at The Daily Mail thought it would be a really good idea to send Jones, a woman who must possess the same amount of compassion as a gnat’s cock, a woman who’s cried about being poor from her massive farmhouse in Somerset, and a woman who spent over £13, 000 on a facelift, to Somalia. And not one-way-ticket sort of ‘send’…but send her there to witness the suffering and write an article on it. I’m not entirely sure why no-one noticed the poor children in the refugee camps had already been through quite enough turmoil without lobbing a narcissistic nutcase at them, but hey ho. So…Jones fills us in on how she thought Hassan was going to mug her for her Blackberry, how her manicured feet look *way* better in sandals than those of a 23 year old with 3 children, and some stuff about her tiny waist. It’s not quite a Lenny Henry Comic Relief video montage of dreams. Thank goodness little Hassan and his rubbish snotty face don’t have the internet or no doubt Jones would have Googled herself before you could say “get your grubby hands off my phone you thieving bastard”.
4) “The other day, I was on a photo shoot with a famous model, and noticed she had thread veins on her legs, and a big mole on her neck. ‘How can she live with such flaws?’ I think. It’s easy to get one’s own faults out of proportion, so they become magnified. I think I am going to stop now with my tinkering.”
Here, we get a ‘brutal’ blow-by-blow account on Jones’ face-lift. She tells readers how, after looking in a few mirrors at a young age, she noticed she looked like she’d been hit with a pan and so began a lifetime of hatred towards her looks, along with article upon article about how cack her body is. She natters on about how no-one really notices, how she didn’t do it to please her boyfriend, and how she’s now *finally* got the face she deserves. Plus, as we can see from the above quote…she’s now in a wonderful position to slag off everyone else because her face is really fantastic and she’ll probably be chosen to promote every product in the world. And then when NASA finally pull their fingers of their arses and find aliens, she’ll promote theirs too. Because she now has the face of a cyborg. I should imagine the working class readers of The Daily Mail, sat at home crying and itching because they can’t afford thrush cream ’til their wages go in after the weekend really appreciate hearing about your face upheaval Liz.
5) “These women are the ultimate playground bullies: they know men hate make-up (my husband used to say I was like a moth, leaving dark smudges on him in my wake), so they pretend they need no help.”
And finally, comes this week’s gem. Jones lays into Holly Willoughby over the fresh-faced photo she tweeted yesterday, branding her ‘arrogant’ and ‘anti-feminist’. Basically, Jones is well hacked off that a young woman can get away with not wearing much make-up/doing her hair and goes all off her tits about it. When I saw the photos, I thought “lucky thing, bet she’s sat in some good lighting and put a bit of Vaseline on” and then had a nibble on some Fridge Raiders and did a yawn, which is exactly what Jones should have done. YES, she’s probably had her roots done recently, and YES she’s probably wearing eyelash extensions but does it really matter? Clearly, her main gripe here is that Holly’s happy, naturally blessed and got a beautiful family. Jones would deep-throat misery if she could, in a cemetery while getting pelted with dog shit. She’s not naturally blessed as we know from her face-lift articles. And her husband probably has that horrible, sweaty-top-lip feeling you get when you’ve been in the sun for ages and realise you need a poo while you’re nowhere near a toilet, whenever she walks into their bedroom of a night time. It’s just all a bit tragic.
The main point of my article is that it bothers me Jones has somewhere very public to air her shoddy thoughts…which always, despite her frequent claims of ‘I’M A FEMINIST’, do a good job of bashing women. Jones – get yourself a diary, therapist or just knob off love.