Is that another question?


 Another blog, and we’re back to dating. When I’m married and merrily living on my farm, I’ll take time out from drinking a lot of whisky and wearing many pairs of funky tights to write about how splendid my husband is, but until then…let’s begin.

 Truth is, I’m not entirely sure how I’ll ever end up married because dating’s really tiring me out. Picture Harry Potter lying on the floor as a Dementor hovers around, nightmaring the shit out of him…and you’ve got me along with whichever male happens to be interested. Except I have better glasses and don’t hang around with a face-achingly annoying girl called Hermione.

 Safe to say at 24 years of age, after one 2 year relationship and one 5 year relationship, I’m no commitment-phobe…I’m just struggling to understand why it’s all so pressure-y. There seems to be a current trend whereby you meet a guy, go on a couple of dates and text for a bit…only for them to get WAY angsty and start bombarding you with questions. And not even fun ones like “would you rather have a mayonnaise dispensing bellybutton or the ability to cry ketchup?”, but stuff like; “How much do you like me? Where do you see this going? Are you taking this seriously?”. Well, no. I’m not. Because generally, unless I’m watching a Louis Theroux documentary on orphans or just noticed that we’ve run out of Yorkshire Tea then I’m just daydreaming and being happy AND FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I’VE HAD A LONG DAY AT WORK SO STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS AND LET ME EAT MY JAM ROLY POLY.

 The thing that bothers me most about this is that as women we tend to let it slide. You can either continue to date them, despite the fact your friends have nicknamed him ‘Foghorn Obsessivehorn’ or gently ease off on the text replies until they find someone else to Question Time to death. And this really isn’t just something that only happens to me…every one of my single friends has experienced of it; “So, he rang four times last night while he was drunk asking where I was and if he could see me tomorrow, or Monday, or Wednesday afternoon for lunch”, “He text to ask if I was intending on flirting with any blokes while I’m out tomorrow night, because he’s not sure he can date me if I’m talking to anyone else”….etc etc, the list is endless. Now we’d rather spend a lot of time licking the crotch of one of Mr Motivator’s tightest unitards than eat dinner with any of you.

I know it’s hard for men. They get moaned at for not being attentive enough, they typically have to make the first move, they feel like they have to check in with girls that really, they only banged because of the 11 shots the night before but they know if they get her to pop round she might swing past KFC and pick up a bucket on the way…so it’s a tough one. But just chill out.

If they’re not doing this, then it’s the classic Date & Run. This is where you spend quite a bit of time with a bloke, only for some sort of alarm to go off because presumably they think any more than three dates in, and you’ll be making a fuck-off MASSIVE Neil Buchanan Art Attack of his face in a nearby field using baby-gro’s and bridal magazines. So they disappear. We appreciate this more than the Captain Keeno situation because we it means don’t have to Google ‘how to spot a stalker’, but still…it’s a bit silly. And if it’s just a case of you not liking us enough to keep hanging out with, then just say. We won’t run off crying to a landfill site and drink ourselves to death.

If you’re a female who in my opinion, behaves like someone that isn’t mentally unstable then you’ll probably get told a lot of the time that when it comes to relationships, you ‘think like a bloke’. You don’t. You just think like a normal girl. I hate to point this out and blow the minds of any men reading this but some of us aren’t insane. If a guy texts one of my friends to see if she wants to go for coffee, she presumes he wants to go for coffee. If a guy asks if I want to go to the cinema, I presume there’s a film he wants to see. Weird that. Oh, and if we text to see if you fancy hanging out? It’s because we think you’re normal, fun, probably got a nice face and occasionally, we might want some sex. We even promise not to empty the contents of the condom back into us after too…as tempting as it might be to raise an unwanted child while you swan around sticking your willy in everything and forgetting we exist. 

Obviously there are girls out there who think sleeping together a few times means it’s time to hit Ikea and get some nice lamps for your new maisonette. A lot of girls. And I can imagine it’s quite tricky for men to shake off the inclination to keep all females at arm’s length until they can be assured they won’t turn up everywhere a la Gabriella ‘Queen of Chins’ Ellis from Made in Chelsea… but she’s not the norm. Ordinarily, most of us know that while we’re spending time with you, so are other girls. And that’s perfectly OK…because we’re doing the same with men. We also don’t need to hear from you every day because we’ve got other people to talk to, have hobbies or sometimes we (brace yourselves) just don’t really need to talk to you.

The best relationships, in my and my friends’ opinion, come from when you just fall into it. You’ve watched Free Willy and Finding Nemo quite a bit (usually on Sundays, because Sunday’s only really designed for couples), you’ve gone to the zoo together and bought a really big rubber, you’ve worn your glasses which make you look like Gretchen from Recess without feeling like a gimp…and you don’t need to ask where it’s going, because it’s just there.

Dating’s meant to be fun, relaxed and not full of questions or the constant need to see eachother. Just because you’ve found someone you like, you don’t need to become one entity and stop doing what you were doing before. Of course things change and you’ll start saying sentences like; “can’t make it I’m afraid, I’m going away for the weekend with The Mrs” and roll your eyes…but secretly, because you haven’t seen her in a couple of days, you’ll be looking forward to it. It’s just about finding that middle-ground between obsessive and aloof. And, if you’re me…it’s also about finding someone who’ll laze around in a lot of coffee shops, adopt quite a few really ugly animals and not find it weird that I still like colouring books as an adult (it’s relaxing).

So, to conclude…girl or boy, you don’t have to answer to anyone. Date those who’ve got their own lives and stuff going on. If that means swapping sex and zoo trips for a lot of time watching Snog, Marry or Avoid re-runs and eating jam with a spoon ’til someone worthwhile comes along, then so be it. It’s so much more fun than questions.

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