1. When life gives you lemons…
I think we’d all be happy if life gave us a fool-proof Daddy Longlegs catcher or maybe a raincoat made of ducks’ backs if it was pissing it down, but a big fat NO to lemons. The only thing worse than life constantly pelting us with citrus fruit is everyone’s hilarious alternative endings. Tweet about making lemon cheesecake or adding slices to a Peroni and I’ll bang an executioner’s bong while plotting your demise. And it will involve lemons. Being substituted for your ovaries/testes.
2. We’re all in the gutter but some of us are staring at the stars.
Wrong. I’m in loads of places…doing a bit of walking down a street, drowning in my own sweat on the tube, sitting on my sofa in a pair pyjamas that were last fashionable around the time The Big Breakfast was making everyone laugh..but I’m NEVER lying in a drain next to a pavement. I’ll tell you who might be…a girl who fell out of a Yates’ bar because that Craig bloke who’s been knobbing her took the mick out the body-con dress she squeezed herself in to; swigging from a WKD bottle while shouting she looked like a dog’s penis stuck in some sausage skin. She’s in the gutter…because she’s doing a sick and waiting for a taxi. On another note, if I ever find myself in a gutter I’ll probably be looking at that massive poo floating past next to the used sanitary towel while wondering how the hell my life got so bad. Fuck the stars.
3. If you can’t handle her at her worst, then you don’t deserve her at her best.
She’s angry. She’s doing this thing where she looks like she’s spent a considerable amount of time sucking on a sponge soaked in diarrhoea while telling you she’s FINE. She’s bombing around the house in some seriously unflattering leggings covered in flecks of dried fried egg. She goes for a massive hangover poo, doesn’t use the Oust and messes up all your toilet mags. She goes into lengthy detail about ‘clots’ and ‘menstrual cramps’ without you asking and she keeps uploading cat videos on to your Facebook page. You don’t enjoy all that? Right. Well then you don’t deserve a girlfriend you heartless chump.
WE KNOW. NONE OF US THINK WE’RE CATS.
5. If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything
I like to think this isn’t true, or some really foul things have been happening across the world. If a bloke told me a particularly funny knock-knock joke and then asked if he could lick the roof of my mouth while making the sound of a pig, I’d say no. I wouldn’t go clubbing with Alexandra Burke. And I wouldn’t watch an episode of The Goodies either because Bill Oddy freaks me out. That said…if J from 5ive told me to do something then I’d oblige…but that’s just because he’s really good at raps and having a beard.
6. Life is about learning to dance in the rain.
Not entirely sure it is…especially not if, like me, you’re wearing fake tan. We’re all pretty busy if you think about it. We’ve got to cram in childhood, school, dating, covering up the sign-language people on late night TV with Blu-tac because your drunk eyes keep focusing on them, fun sex, bad sex, marriage, babies, getting to the point of realisation that you married the wrong person and you’re still having bad sex. If we also had to spend a substantial amount of time shuffling about in the rain doing our best Inferno’s moves then we’d end it absolutely knackered and hypothermic.
7. If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.
Or it was a really shit boomerang. And why we’re you in love with a boomerang anyway?