‘When life gives you lemon’ and other phrases that need the boot

1. When life gives you lemons…

I think we’d all be happy if life gave us a fool-proof Daddy Longlegs catcher or maybe a raincoat made of ducks’ backs if it was pissing it down, but a big fat  NO to lemons. The only thing worse than life constantly pelting us with citrus fruit is everyone’s hilarious alternative endings. Tweet about making lemon cheesecake or adding slices to a Peroni and I’ll bang an executioner’s bong while plotting your demise. And it will involve lemons. Being substituted for your ovaries/testes.


2. We’re all in the gutter but some of us are staring at the stars.

Wrong. I’m in loads of places…doing a bit of walking down a street, drowning in my own sweat on the tube, sitting on my sofa in a pair pyjamas that were last fashionable around the time The Big Breakfast was making everyone laugh..but I’m NEVER lying in a drain next to a pavement. I’ll tell you who might be…a girl who fell out of a Yates’ bar because that Craig bloke who’s been knobbing her took the mick out the body-con dress she squeezed herself in to; swigging from a WKD bottle while shouting she looked like a dog’s penis stuck in some sausage skin. She’s in the gutter…because she’s doing a sick and waiting for a taxi. On another note, if I ever find myself in a gutter I’ll probably be looking at that massive poo floating past next to the used sanitary towel while wondering how the hell my life got so bad. Fuck the stars.

3. If you can’t handle her at her worst, then you don’t deserve her at her best.

She’s angry. She’s doing this thing where she looks like she’s spent a considerable amount of time sucking on a sponge soaked in diarrhoea while telling you she’s FINE. She’s bombing around the house in some seriously unflattering leggings covered in flecks of dried fried egg. She goes for a massive hangover poo, doesn’t use the Oust and messes up all your toilet mags. She goes into lengthy detail about ‘clots’ and ‘menstrual cramps’ without you asking and she keeps uploading cat videos on to your Facebook page. You don’t enjoy all that? Right. Well then you don’t deserve a girlfriend you heartless chump.

4.  YOLO


5. If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything

I like to think this isn’t true, or some really foul things have been happening across the world. If a bloke told me a particularly funny knock-knock joke and then asked if he could lick the roof of my mouth while making the sound of a pig, I’d say no. I wouldn’t go clubbing with Alexandra Burke. And I wouldn’t watch an episode of The Goodies either because Bill Oddy freaks me out. That said…if J from 5ive told me to do something then I’d oblige…but that’s just because he’s really good at raps and having a beard.

6. Life is about learning to dance in the rain.

Not entirely sure it is…especially not if, like me, you’re wearing fake tan. We’re all pretty busy if you think about it. We’ve got to cram in childhood, school, dating, covering up the sign-language people on late night TV with Blu-tac because your drunk eyes keep focusing on them, fun sex, bad sex, marriage, babies, getting to the point of realisation that you married the wrong person and you’re still having bad sex. If we also had to spend a substantial amount of time shuffling about in the rain doing our best Inferno’s moves then we’d end it absolutely knackered and hypothermic.

7. If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.

Or it was a really shit boomerang. And why we’re you in love with a boomerang anyway?

1 comment
  1. TyrKovacs said:

    It’s 4am, I’m slightly drunk and I’m feeling the typing equivalent of chatty. So if I comment a lot of nonsense, think of it as “quirky/fun” weird, not “wearing your skin as a cocktail dress” weird. Thank you 🙂

    I quite like lemons. I never understood how they were made out to be the absolute worst thing life could give you. If you had no lemons, you might get scurvy. Scurvy would be a worse thing to have. Although, I don’t really think life gives you anything. Not even citrus. You have to build it or take it or find it for yourself. It’s a stupid turn of phrase.

    The gutter/stars one, I don’t hear very often… but it’s still pretty stupid. Looking at the stars as a metaphor for striving for more is nonsense wherever you are. You either start building a metaphorical space ladder or you settle. Looking is just potential self-envy. And, as you rightly say, why would you be in the gutter? Why put yourself down like that? If you’re better than the gutter, don’t let anyone tell you you’re with everyone else, regardless of your gaze.

    I think that the opposite should be true. If you can’t handle a woman at her best, you *only* deserve her at her worst. If you can’t keep up and compete with a woman when she’s looking stunning, pouring out quick wit and charm, and making the best of herself, you’re not trying hard enough. And if you’re not trying hard enough, you don’t deserve someone that impressive. So you get her at her worst, or, more likely, someone who isn’t as special and more on your level. And that cuts both ways, if you’re boyfriend is the fucking Batman, you’d best be sure that you’re at least Catwoman… and not the Halle Berry atrocity (Seriously, that film should be classified as a war-crime), otherwise what’s the point? Relationships work when you balance and compliment each other, not when one is carrying the other like a lead weight.

    YOLO – I like it as a statement of “you should make the best of yourself and others in the time you have” but 99.99% of the time it means “I can make all these stupid mistakes and exercise terrible judgement because I’m so special and unique and you should pay attention to me” No one cares hipster, put yourself away.

    I know for a fact that this one is nonsense. I’m hilarious (and sexy, don’t forget sexy) but I still don’t have a harem of mind-controlled slave girls making me canadian pancakes and entertaining me all the time. Believe me, I double checked.

    Now, I have to rock the boat slightly here: Why wouldn’t you love a boomerang? They are pretty badass. And there’s a technical term for a shit boomerang that doesn’t come back: a stick. And loving a stick is silly. So the phrase does kinda make sense to me a bit if you imagine that boomerang and stick are like the types of partners you could have. Rare and beautiful, something that clearly took effort or a brilliant fluke to get right, or something common and shoddy that just turned up the way it was.

    Anyway, as always, enjoyed the blog. Keep writing.

    *May the road rise up to meet you, and the wind be at your back*

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