Monthly Archives: October 2012


So…today, Sky launched the wonderful hashtags #mistakesgirlsmake and #mistakesboysmake. People tended to ignore the boy one (because they very rarely do anything wrong, in fact we should just get rid of females altogether, they’re too busy tripping over fake eyelashes to do anything productive anyway) and dug their claws into focusing on what really matters. The massive f*ck-ups us wimmin do. Let’s take a look at some of the comments shall we?


1) “Not matching their neck to their faces”

Wearing foundation/bronzer that doesn’t match the colour of your neck became the most widely reported crime amongst the #mistakesgirlsmake hashtag. By miles. It is funny when you see a make-up disaster…someone walking around with the face of Naomi Campbell and the neck of Tilda Swinton but honestly it does take practise. It’s commonly a mistake made by teenagers taking their first steps into the wonderful world of cover-up and you do tend to forget your neck’s just lying in wait to sell you out like a fat pale flump. Some women have to buy foundation for every day use, one for nights out, one for post spray-tan, one that blends into the neck, one that’s just for the face…bored yet? Exactly.

Don’t even get me started on bronzer.


2) “Thinkin their looks will get them far loooool, if you have no personality are are not funny, you will not have a boyfriend.”

Well, the person who wrote this is evidently a HOOT. But aside from the inability to structure a sentence and the use of ‘lol’, he’s got a point.

It’s true, a lot of girls do just rely on their looks…tweeting about things being ‘reem’ or not realising that drawing on their cleavage makes them as hilarious as AIDS. But then in fairness, so do a lot of men. There’s been many in time when my ovaries have broken through my flesh because an approaching guy has a face like Marlon Brando…only to find his conversation’s so dull I cried dry paint for the next three hours. Finding someone hot AND hilarious AND sarcastic AND laid back is like finding Johnny Vegas funny. Impossible.

But then again…none of us are having sex with the one-eyed albino who lost half their face in a horrific accident at the local dog rescue shelter just because they make us laugh like a drain are we? No. No we’re not. We’re staying away because they smell of dog tongues.


3) “Fancy a fictional character”

I see absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to the Disney version of Robin Hood. Yes, he may be a fox, BUT HE SAVED THE POOR DON’T MAKE A MOCKERY OF HIS COURAGE.


4) “When they ignore every nice guy they talk to, go out with a prick and then complain that there are no nice guys”.

OK. This annoys me a bit…and not just because he wrote ‘nice’ twice in the same sentence. What seems to be more and more apparent is that there’s no middle ground when it comes to men. You either get someone who wants to make personalised punch out of your used tampons, or someone who emigrates when you mention you might be free next weekend. I can hand-on-heart confirm that girls don’t dislike nice guys, it’s just that ‘nice’ translates differently between the sexes. What we don’t consider nice…is someone who fawns all over us, gets in contact every couple of hours, cancels his own plans to make us a priority, calls us ‘hun’ or who puts us on a pedestal before he’s noticed we, in fact, don’t wear matching underwear every day. This applies to anyone. If I met a girl, thought she was unhinged enough to be my friend and then got smothered over the next few weeks…I’d put her in the ‘no’ pile too. It’s just common sense.

What we do consider nice is when you meet someone and they maintain a bit of mystery…actually appear to have a social life…don’t agree with everything you say…it’s great. Essentially, you’re going to be living with someone for the rest of your life, so why do you want to pick the one who’s main purpose is to flit around you like Zazu from The Lion King?

Obviously, there are some girls who do like to spend their lives having relationships with men who’d knob a Ginsters’ sausage roll given the chance, but that’s due to their own deep-rooted insecurities. If the majority of us found out our partner had been cheating, we’d happily wipe his toothbrush round a dog’s bumhole before telling him to leave.


5) “When head is 85% teeth, the D is not edible.”

Basically, here…a guy explains that girls should know a penis isn’t there to be eaten and that teeth should be kept well away while giving head.

Girls, I think we should marker-pen that into our diaries around the time all men realise going down on someone doesn’t mean drawing crazy paving with their tongues.

Thanks for the ‘heads up’ guys (you’re welcome for the play on words there)


6) “Pretending to be thick lol dont be dumbass”

This tweet doesn’t really set the point in good stead but it does annoy me and it does only appear to be something girls do. I’m often thrown into a cataclysmic fallout with my own sex when I hear someone really obviously pretending to be stupid. It’s 2012, no-one cares for ditsy anymore and you’re most definitely aware Ireland isn’t in Wales.

That said…I’m not going to focus too heavily on this because essentially…despite the fact men hate girls playing dumb, a LOT of them are still happy as Larry to have sex with them.


7) “Thinking they can handle their drink like males”
The sort of girls who binge like men on nights out scare me. I can handle three shots before I talk like I’ve got Pete Burns’ lips when the botox went mental and a single Rae & Nephews once made me so drunk I stood on a frog trying to climb into my friend’s house and skewered it with my heel.

If a really rubbish genie turned up and gave us the opportunity to sit on the floor of a piss-covered toilet, hair stuck to our face with sweat and our dress round your armpits, most of us would rather deep-fry our own poo. Yet so many girls spend Saturday night doing it.

Put the glass down love. No-one wants to hear about how much Craig disrespects you.


8) “Watching footy and like LOTR and play Xbox for attention”

Interesting to know that if you enjoy sport, gaming and Lord Of The Rings then you’re only doing it to get attention from the opposite sex. I must say, standing on the sidelines watching rugby every weekend and wondering why the hell Gollum’s mum wasn’t on Social Services’ ‘at risk’ register due to his evident ill-health means I’ve been batting cock away with a stick for years.

The thought of pretending to like things to get attention from men is completely alien to me. I lose concentration focusing on things I actually do enjoy so learning stuff on the off-chance I might get pumped? Not likely.


9) “Being in the darnce and trying to bruk it down but to everyone else they just look like a filthy gully creepa”
I believe this means the girls in question are dancing in a less than ladylike manner. I’m going to ignore it however because the tweeter can’t actually spell dance and probably looks like a ‘filthy gully creepa’ all over his ‘ stupid’ ‘face’.


10) “Not taking it in the arse”

Guys. Fancy taking your own ring to the Chateau de Arse? Want to add a splash of poo to the occasion? Up for leaking over the course of the next three days after sex?



We’ve all felt a bit tired…a bit run down…a bit teary. Some days it can feel as though everything’s out to make us walk around so stressed we’ve got a permanent Deirdre Barlow neck. Just for a minute, imagine being so tired the thought of getting out of bed seems incomprehensible. Imagine now, being at work on the brink of tears and unable to concentrate on anything, You go to eat lunch, but don’t have an appetite. You don’t want to have to talk to anyone because the thought alone wears you out and even the simplest, most mundane tasks make you feel as though life’s just out to get you. You’re sad. Really, really sad. And if you’re not feeling sad, you’re feeling nothing.
Now imagine being completely confused as to why you feel like that and plucking up the courage to tell someone…

For them to reply with;

“Oh come on, YOU’RE ALRIGHT! What have you got to be sad about?!”

Depression can honestly make you feel as though you’re dragging your body through a swamp…and the worst things is, as much as you want to snap out of it, you have absolutely no idea what the bloody hell’s wrong with you or how to solve it. Mental health problems are illnesses…and that’s essentially what some people need to get their heads around. It’s not a lifestyle choice. People don’t wake up one morning and think, “Fuck it, do you know what? I want to feel terrible. Honestly, terrible. Actually, I don’t want to be able to feel anything…so I’ll give depression a whirl.” It creeps up, like a thick film of smoke and engulfs you ’til you’re only going through life because you have to.

I’m lucky enough not to have suffered myself, but depression and other mental health problems have played a part in my life (which I go into below), and thankfully, it’s becoming OK to talk about it without the fear of being labelled as a nutter.

And that’s BRILLIANT.

Obviously medication and therapy play a huge role in helping sufferers get back to feeling themselves again, but sometimes, just the opportunity to be able to talk can make a person feel that little bit better and stop the problem getting any worse. Sufferers can already feel completely isolated and in a permanent state of paranoia without having friends and colleagues reinforcing it.  With one in four people falling victim to it at some point in their lives, it makes so much sense for it to no longer be a taboo subject…I know I’d be grateful if someone was willing to listen to me.

If anyone asks me about my childhood, there aren’t enough positive adjectives I could use. I knew I was loved, I had fun and I come from a family where we genuinely all get along as people…not just because we have to.

Running alongside that, until the age of fourteen when my parents separated I also grew up living in a household with someone who had a schizoaffective disorder. This meant a pretty idyllic upbringing was punctuated with bouts of violence, mood swings, depression and erratic, irrational behaviour.

My mum offered (and still offers) stability and a sense of normality. She made my siblings and I very aware that certain behaviour wasn’t acceptable and that we were to talk to her if we felt anxious or scared…while also making sure she supported her husband as best she could. How SHE didn’t downward spiral into a pit of doom I don’t know. I seem to remember her eating a lot of chocolate spread straight from the jar and listening to The Archers, so maybe that helped.

As a child, I made sure not to mention anything that happened at home to my friends. In fairness, I thought it was pretty sensible not to want to go to parties in case anyone drinking alcohol got angry…I thought it made sense to plan what you could use as a weapon in your room if you ever needed one and I thought shaking every time I heard ‘Gangster’s Paradise’ was normal (still not sure why, presume something must have happened while that was playing).

Obviously, as I grew up and the family dynamics changed due to the divorce, I knew that we’d been through some pretty tough and often unusual events. The person in question is now a lot different, he finally got the medication and help he needed and in turn we’ve got a reasonably good relationship, I accept he’s the way he is because essentially, it’s not his fault…and from what I can see, there’s been a vast improvement in his health.
We’re all very complex. The fact that at some point we might find life a struggle makes total sense to me. Some people will always have problems, some just need a reason to be happy again…

Go for a walk, be kind to someone, get happy.