So there we have it… it’s not all about sexy underwear, tasteful lighting and friction… who knew? Turns out you’re better off taking life advice from O.J Simpson than men on Twitter. Guarantee the next man I date likes the spinning on the cock thing. Wish me luck… it ain’t gonna be pretty.
So… I haven’t written anything in a while because I got a new job. This means I don’t get to eat multi packs of Wotsits while staring at girls’ boobs and watching hilarious cat videos all day anymore, I actually have to do stuff. But tonight, I’m going to give it a whirl. And I thought, seeing as I’ve been single for two years now (I know, I’m basically Cliff Richard, but just a lot less gay), I’m going to talk about…
What I’ve learnt from dating this year (you might have already guessed that from the title… well done you)
1) The *second* you buy nice underwear, you’re cursed.
We’ve all been there… you’re looking through your knicker drawer and there’s a choice of Banana Man pants, a nice silky bra that doesn’t have matching knickers because you lost them behind a bin in Malia and an Ann Summers leotard you wore age 18 which makes you look more whoretacular than Jodie Marsh’s clit ring (disclosure: she may not *have* a clit ring). So… you venture out to buy some nice new sets of underwear, because the guy you’ve been dating suggested a ‘DVD night’ and we all know that’s code… only to never, EVER end up using it. You’ll either decide you don’t actually want to bump uglies, or he’ll bin you or you’ll meet unexpectedly in a bar a few days later when you’re full to the brim on vodka tonics and not give the slightest toss that you’re wearing massive period pants because all the rest were in the wash and go home with him (Men, you probably won’t be aware of what period pants ARE. Apologies for that. Women you most definitely will).
2) Some men might dump you on your Birthday.
This one’s self-explanatory. In fairness, I did seek revenge by drunkenly pretending I was horse, cantering up and kicking him hard and this is why I’m single isn’t it oh god.
3) Men are like boomerangs.
I have a slight problem. A guy can be going great guns up the ‘Yeah, He Doesn’t Annoy Me’ scale only to fall riiiiight back down to the bottom again after one minor slip-up. This can be anything. He might have a weird laugh. He might think it’s OK to drop a ‘lol’ into conversation. He might speak to shop assistants just that little bit too much and make us all feel uncomfortable and it’s over. Done and dusted. Then, you’ll be sitting at home eating cheesy mashed potato on the stairs with a spoon or watching your Band Of Brothers boxset, only to have a ‘oh hi stranger ;)’ text flash up. I genuinely think a bloke would have to catch a girl rimming Dean Gaffney before he’d stop sporadically getting in contact and even THEN I’m not 100% sure.
4) A lot of men just… well… aren’t very interesting.
I won’t moan on about this for too long because obviously there are some guys who are REALLY brilliant. But I do tend to meet humans who are about as fun as a tour round the house Ann Frank was cooped up in. If you’re like that to talk to, we’ll just imagine your penis puffs out dust and wailing ghouls as opposed to bodily fluids and attempt to find a way to back out of date numero deux. Which leads me to…
5) It’s very, VERY rare to find fit and funny.
If you have a boyfriend who’s hot and makes you laugh ’til you get that horrible ‘oh hang on, right I need to stop laughing or I’m actually going to..shit a bit came out’ feeling then nail his knackers to your bedpost. On an average night out, the majority of us will either be working out a way to create Bernard’s Watch, stop time and flee the bejesus away from a beautiful man who keeps chatting to us about how much he can bench press or wondering, could we? COULD WE fancy the guy with the multicoloured glasses who’s really making us laugh with his dinosaur impressions? If you have a hot and hilarious, marry them. And then when they die, preserve them for scientific purposes thank you.
6) You might have a type, leave it. If only for a second.
I have a pretty strict type, a mould if you will. But this year, for no particular reason, I dated a few that were completely and utterly nowhere near it. And it was nice! Normally go for a dark haired guy? Try a blonde. Always a fan of sporty men? Try someone who throws a ball like your nan. Like being weed on in bed? Try not being weird. It sounds silly, but you can learn from even the shortest, strangest, most abysmal relationships and sticking to what you know isn’t always the way. That said, if Spencer from Made In Chelsea grinds his smarm-leaking cock against you, back the heck away. No-one needs that.
7) Don’t ever doubt a man’s determination to bed you.
Don’t think I really need to go into this further. Let’s just say a five date rule is POINTLESS. Oh, and if a man thinks he’s in with a shot, some might forget to mention they’ve got four children and a girlfriend.
Some girls (I’m afraid it is usually girls), get involved with men just so they’ve got someone. I’ve never really understood this… if it was a toss up between sitting on my own or listening to someone I didn’t really care about jabber on about how far he got in Tekken Warcraft Sims of Duty then I’d pick being lonesome. Although, after two long term relationships I can confirm the best way to appreciate your own company is to share a flat with a partner who shouts “POLICE, CAMERA, ACTION’S ON IN 5 MINUTES” while you’re trying to have a wee (that means poo obviously. I just can’t say that because I’m a girl).
9) It’s really, really fun to date no-one.
That’s right. For quite a while, I had a dating cull. And my flaps didn’t fall off or ANYTHING, it was actually really nice. I didn’t have to send mindless texts to boys who were really gorgeous but couldn’t quite grasp that ‘alot’ isn’t a word, I didn’t have to put up with ingrown hairs thanks to incessant shaving, nor did I have to make sure my tweets were toned down in case he ran for the hills. Luckily, I have a few close friends whose love lives are equally barren so we could all drink cocktails and laugh about vibrators together (drink Peroni and play darts) so I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. Sometimes when I needed a bin bag putting outside it was a bit tough but I got through it (left it for someone else to do).
Just to finish off, I know this works for both sexes. I don’t think for a second that guys have it easy… nightclubs up and down the country are full with girls who could easily compete for the top spot in a Miss Dagenham contest and I don’t envy you attempting to make lame small talk with them at ALL. I just ask that you don’t mention how much you bench press.