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Monthly Archives: January 2013

This week I read an article titled ’25 Things That Turn Your Man On!‘ Basically, a popular women’s magazine asked the good men of Twitter what got their horn a-honking and put them together in a handy article so us ladies could jot them down in our Cath Kidston diaries. Here are some of the more intriguing suggestions…
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1) “Rich girls, I want a sugar mama”
 
I imagine that THIS guy wears D&G belts, enough hair gel to drown a fieldmouse and generally acts like a bellend. The sort of bloke to walk around Bluewater for 9 hours, not because he’s shopping but because he’s forgotten where he parked his Mum’s car. Plus, we all already know what turns him on. Doggy style… so he can rob your purse while you’re not looking.
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2) “Good credit”
 
This made me do a laugh with my mouth. Good credit as in no CCJs? I can just imagine the smouldering scene now; “Ooooh yeah Leanne, talk to me. Tell me how the bank are happy to give you a second credit card.” I bet this bloke gets turned on by skirting boards and a girl who can complete a successful three point turn too.
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3) “Girls who swim”
You know how some fisherman used to knob skate in their boats when they’d been away at sea for ages because their faces look like vaginas? Exactly what I think of when I read this quote.
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4) “Someone who looks after themselves”
Gents, I get this. No-one wants to strut round BHS with Hayley Croppers’s burns victim sister, even if she IS a hoot and has an impeccable credit rating… but be careful. If a girl checks her reflection more than she speaks a well-structured sentence then this is a warning sign. She SHOULD take pride in her appearance but it shouldn’t be the only thing… make sure she’s not a hot mess. You’ll be able to check this by asking her a question on something than ISN’T in The Daily Mail sidebar of shame.
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5) “Women who wear boy shorts all the time”
 
ALL the time? I happily wear girl boxers but ALL the time? It’s not hugely sexy when you’re getting down to it in Topshop ‘AHOY THERE SAILOR!’ pants… you look like a sultry 13 year old and for goodness sake, if 2012 taught us anything its that 13 year old’s are off limits. At least TRY not to get embroiled in Operation Yewtree.
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6) “A girl who can spin around while riding it”
 I’m confused… so you want us to go up and down AND round and round? Like some sort of sexy possessed-girl-out-The Exorcist head? What if we can’t gather up momentum and it all gets a bit awkward and weird? And while you’re waiting for us to do the whole 360 degrees, your chap loses interest and then we’re just squashing a softie while doing a sitting pirouette? I’m not down with this one guys.
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7) “When a girl knows my past but judges me for who I am now”
 
This one’s a bit alarming… what HAS he done in his past? I mean, obviously there’s stuff we’d rather our partner not know. I wouldn’t be ecstatic if guys I dated knew about me going bird watching when I was eight and becoming a member of the RSPB (complete with monthly updates, be quiet some of it was interesting) but I can’t imagine anyone judging me for it (stop judging me). I have a feeling the guy who made this comment is the type to have ‘haters’ and drink alcohol from bottles in brown paper bags while smelling of heroin and bum. If even HE’S picky about what turns him on then there’s no hope.
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8) A chick that will play PS3 with me”
 
I’m ignoring this because the person in question said ‘chick’. He’s obviously not had a ‘chick’ in a while. See also; ‘bird’ and ‘the missus’. (That said, I’d overlook the names if he wanted to play Crash Bandicoot. I like Crash Bandicoot).
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9) “That early in the morning or late at night phone voice”
The voice where you sound like you’ve deep throated 15 cigarettes? The voice where you sound like the love child of Frank Bruno and Bet Lynch? The very same voice that squeaks “WhatisitwhyareyouringingIdon’tknowwhatshappeningfuckI’mlatecoronationteapartySamsung’ when you answer the phone because you’ve forgotten how to work your tongue? Yeah it’s dead sexy that. I believe this man’s probably referring to the fake, sultry voice we practise 5 nanoseconds before answering the phone.
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10) “A woman who doesn’t need make-up and keeps it simple”
What looks bare-faced and smells bare-faced? That’s right! A girl with make-up on. Sorry to break it you to, but very rarely will the girl you’re in the early stages of dating be fresh-faced when she says she is. Lesson: What she says; “Oh don’t loooook at me, I’m not wearing any make-up”. What she means; “Oh shiiiiiiit, that tiny bit of make-up I dabbed on probably just rubbed off and now I look like crap so I’ll just tell you I haven’t got any on.” If a girl gets out the shower after impromptu wet ‘n’ wild sex looking the same as when she jumped in, then she’s a keeper. OR, she knew to wear stay-put foundation and waterproof mascara just in case like the rest of us. If you don’t believe me, next time you hear this declaration, grab her chops and rub a towel ove… actually don’t. Unless she’s got the early onset on Alzheimers you’ll be in huge trouble. And if she HAS got the early onset on Alzheimers then come on mate… get her to a doctor.
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11) “A girl walking around in my t-shirt”
 
A lot of women’s magazines give out pointers on how to appear adorable so men will want you for a girlfriend (I know, it’s weird). The top three will always be ‘walk on tiptoes’, ‘do a cute yawn-stretch’ and ‘wear one of his t-shirts’. No-one notices when I walk on tiptoes because I’m knee high to a gnat’s cock. Cute yawn-stretches make me look like I’m pushing my breasts into your breakfast. But I will borrow your t-shirt please. Not because I want to be your girlfriend, but because I love baggy things with ‘Wayne’s World’ splashed across the front. Please don’t get pissy if I rub fake tan on it though.

So there we have it… it’s not all about sexy underwear, tasteful lighting and friction… who knew? Turns out you’re better off taking life advice from O.J Simpson than men on Twitter. Guarantee the next man I date likes the spinning on the cock thing. Wish me luck… it ain’t gonna be pretty.

So… I haven’t written anything in a while because I got a new job. This means I don’t get to eat multi packs of Wotsits while staring at girls’ boobs and watching hilarious cat videos all day anymore, I actually have to do stuff. But tonight, I’m going to give it a whirl. And I thought, seeing as I’ve been single for two years now (I know, I’m basically Cliff Richard, but just a lot less gay), I’m going to talk about…

What I’ve learnt from dating this year (you might have already guessed that from the title… well done you)

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1) The *second* you buy nice underwear, you’re cursed.

We’ve all been there… you’re looking through your knicker drawer and there’s a choice of Banana Man pants, a nice silky bra that doesn’t have matching knickers because you lost them behind a bin in Malia and an Ann Summers leotard you wore age 18 which makes you look more whoretacular than Jodie Marsh’s clit ring (disclosure: she may not *have* a clit ring). So… you venture out to buy some nice new sets of underwear, because the guy you’ve been dating suggested a ‘DVD night’ and we all know that’s code… only to never, EVER end up using it. You’ll either decide you don’t actually want to bump uglies, or he’ll bin you or you’ll meet unexpectedly in a bar a few days later when you’re full to the brim on vodka tonics and not give the slightest toss that you’re wearing massive period pants because all the rest were in the wash and go home with him (Men, you probably won’t be aware of what period pants ARE. Apologies for that. Women you most definitely will).

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2) Some men might dump you on your Birthday.

This one’s self-explanatory. In fairness, I did seek revenge by drunkenly pretending I was horse, cantering up and kicking him hard and this is why I’m single isn’t it oh god.

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3) Men are like boomerangs.

I have a slight problem. A guy can be going great guns up the ‘Yeah, He Doesn’t Annoy Me’ scale only to fall riiiiight back down to the bottom again after one minor slip-up. This can be anything. He might have a weird laugh. He might think it’s OK to drop a ‘lol’ into conversation. He might speak to shop assistants just that little bit too much and make us all feel uncomfortable and it’s over. Done and dusted. Then, you’ll be sitting at home eating cheesy mashed potato on the stairs with a spoon or watching your Band Of Brothers boxset, only to have a ‘oh hi stranger ;)’ text flash up. I genuinely think a bloke would have to catch a girl rimming Dean Gaffney before he’d stop sporadically getting in contact and even THEN I’m not 100% sure.

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4) A lot of men just… well… aren’t very interesting.

I won’t moan on about this for too long because obviously there are some guys who are REALLY brilliant. But I do tend to meet humans who are about as fun as a tour round the house Ann Frank was cooped up in. If you’re like that to talk to, we’ll just imagine your penis puffs out dust and wailing ghouls as opposed to bodily fluids and attempt to find a way to back out of date numero deux. Which leads me to…

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5) It’s very, VERY rare to find fit and funny.

If you have a boyfriend who’s hot and makes you laugh ’til you get that horrible ‘oh hang on, right I need to stop laughing or I’m actually going to..shit a bit came out’ feeling then nail his knackers to your bedpost. On an average night out, the majority of us will either be working out a way to create Bernard’s Watch, stop time and flee the bejesus away from a beautiful man who keeps chatting to us about how much he can bench press or wondering, could we? COULD WE fancy the guy with the multicoloured glasses who’s really making us laugh with his dinosaur impressions?  If you have a hot and hilarious, marry them. And then when they die, preserve them for scientific purposes thank you.

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6) You might have a type, leave it. If only for a second.

I have a pretty strict type, a mould if you will. But this year, for no particular reason, I dated a few that were completely and utterly nowhere near it. And it was nice! Normally go for a dark haired guy? Try a blonde. Always a fan of sporty men? Try someone who throws a ball like your nan. Like being weed on in bed? Try not being weird. It sounds silly, but you can learn from even the shortest, strangest, most abysmal relationships and sticking to what you know isn’t always the way. That said, if Spencer from Made In Chelsea grinds his smarm-leaking cock against you, back the heck away. No-one needs that.

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7) Don’t ever doubt a man’s determination to bed you.

Don’t think I really need to go into this further. Let’s just say a five date rule is POINTLESS. Oh, and if a man thinks he’s in with a shot, some might forget to mention they’ve got four children and a girlfriend.

Image8) Some people will date for the sake of dating.

Some girls (I’m afraid it is usually girls), get involved with men just so they’ve got someone. I’ve never really understood this… if it was a toss up between sitting on my own or listening to someone I didn’t really care about jabber on about how far he got in Tekken Warcraft Sims of Duty then I’d pick being lonesome. Although, after two long term relationships I can confirm the best way to appreciate your own company is to share a flat with a partner who shouts “POLICE, CAMERA, ACTION’S ON IN 5 MINUTES” while you’re trying to have a wee (that means poo obviously. I just can’t say that because I’m a girl).

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9) It’s really, really fun to date no-one.

That’s right. For quite a while, I had a dating cull. And my flaps didn’t fall off or ANYTHING, it was actually really nice. I didn’t have to send mindless texts to boys who were really gorgeous but couldn’t quite grasp that ‘alot’ isn’t a word, I didn’t have to put up with ingrown hairs thanks to incessant shaving, nor did I have to make sure my tweets were toned down in case he ran for the hills. Luckily, I have a few close friends whose love lives are equally barren so we could all drink cocktails and laugh about vibrators together (drink Peroni and play darts) so I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. Sometimes when I needed a bin bag putting outside it was a bit tough but I got through it (left it for someone else to do).

Image10) Didn’t do a number ten because I really want to go and make some dinner but here’s a photo of a monkey holding a dog.

Just to finish off, I know this works for both sexes. I don’t think for a second that guys have it easy… nightclubs up and down the country are full with girls who could easily compete for the top spot in a Miss Dagenham contest and I don’t envy you attempting to make lame small talk with them at ALL. I just ask that you don’t mention how much you bench press.