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Monthly Archives: April 2013

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So, earlier I was relaxing in bed, watching Band Of Brothers and eating Reese’s peanut butter miniatures when a certain Daily Mail article was brought to my attention. Every week, a video blogger (Emily Hartridge) puts together a ’10 Reasons Why’ video and it’s usually HILARIOUS (if you’ve been trapped under a dead owl with only the smell of rotting maggots and the sound of your own open-mouth wailing for amusement).

In this week’s treat, Emily (and weirdly, Zoe Hardman) discuss why women are strange. Like… craaazy. Totally gaga. And it’s SO FUNNY! (It’s not, I now want to lean my ovaries over a bunsen burner)

Here, I’ve picked five of their astronomically appalling examples and refuted them. Because essentially, it’s ‘weird’ women like Emily and Zoe generalising that give the rest of us humans with flaps a bad name.

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1. We get paranoid if our boyfriend doesn’t text constantly.

The article reads, “If men go out with their male friends, Emily says, and don’t text their girlfriend every five minutes, they’re obviously having a lap dance.”.

Right, well this is codswallop for starters. If my boyfriend went out for the evening and spent the whole night texting me I’d worry his friends were all as dull as David Cameron’s gooch. Then I’d tell him to put his phone down. Then I’d function as a normal human who can cope being manless for more than 27 seconds without having a strop induced stroke. And most others I know would agree. (If they don’t, then they’re the type of women who make boyfriend shrines out of tampons and used condoms so run for the hills and save yourself before she starts talking to you about scatter cushions).

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2. We like sniffing chocolate.

We like eating chocolate. If, in 2013, you’re still the type of woman who sniffs chocolate and calls eating an eclair ‘naughty’ then you’re far worse than anything Gary Glitter ever did.

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3. We think you’re cheating on us if you don’t like sex.

Nope, we don’t. We just think you’re an idiot and then try every way possible to seduce you, no matter HOW repellent it may be. Just remember ladies, when you’re doing the ‘sexy biting lip’ thing, bite the bottom lip, that’s the BOTTOM lip. A nibble to the top lip makes you look like Gabriella JCB-Chin from Made In Chelsea and no-one wants that.

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4. We don’t fart.

Nah, we don’t actually. We don’t poo either. Or burp. Or get the bum-sweats at the gym. Or find crumbs in our bra hours after eating. Or verrrrry slowly smell our armpits to check we’re OK in the morning before you try to spoon us. And we definitely don’t have to apply foundation just above our top lip in porta loos every 9 minutes at festivals because we’ve sweat it off gyrating to Wiley.

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5. We get men to fix our gadgets without trying ourselves.

Yeah lol, we do. Lol, like… sometimes I just, dunno… I just get to the TV and it like won’t come on so I just bang my boobs against it and twiddle my nips to try get signal and sometimes it works but then OH SOMETHING PINK! I’m gonna go put some fake eyelashes on lol.

Being poor at technology and gadgets isn’t an unavoidale side-effect to having a uterus. I lived with a guy who couldn’t change lightbulbs… both sexes can be idiots.

So, triple Nectar Points to you ladies. If yanking feminism back by the pubes 15 lightyears was the aim then you’ve succeeded. Luckily for us, most people who read The Daily Mail smell like bins and think Gala Bingo on Wigan pier is a top night out so I don’t think we need worry. Anyway, best dash… need to go make sure I’ve had a text in the last 4 minutes or BOY is some lapdancer going to get a WKD and a roundhouse to the face.