Oh, Twit Off…




“Kim Kardashian got married, divorced, a new boyfriend AND pregnant all in 1 year. I had a man say he wanted to wank in my hair”.

And that was the tweet which ended up on my boss’ timeline and prompted her to follow me. I won’t lie, for a second my tummy churned the same way it did when my mum found a bag containing handcuffs, the morning after pill and lube in my wardrobe aged 16 BUT luckily for me, my employers are kindly. And having a personality/opinions (or in this case, just stating true fact) doesn’t mean I end up standing outside the job centre eating a Greggs’ pasty like a well-oiled unemployed machine.

 Sadly, however, the same can’t be said for everyone. And if you’re not using an anonymous account you’re probably sweating from your arse crack every time Bill from Accounts asks if you ‘use that Tweeter thing’. Or you’re making your account private. Or, if worse comes to worst… being suspended purely for writing something you might not necessarily preach to your nan.

I totally understand why you have to be careful what you say. Of COURSE you shouldn’t be allowed to tweet merrily about meetings, or your boss, or how much the company profit was that year. Or that whenever you go into the toilet after your colleague Kelly you have to chew your way through an aroma of last night’s curry like an angry Pacman. THAT’S a tad daring. And yes, if do tweet such matters then you SHOULD worry about repurcussions.

 However… when you’re actually living your life and not stuck in the hamster wheel of hell that is you’re working day, then I can’t understand why it’s criminal to have free reign on what you want to tweet. We all have sex, we all have occasional (or in my case, pretty frequent) less-than-positive thoughts on other humans and we all know people who go on the X Factor are retards… so why can’t we talk about it?

 You might tweet about wanting a flight of stairs to Final Destination Tom Cruise… you might tweet a video of a bulldog humping a shih tzu (definitely didn’t know it was spelt like that)… but it doesn’t mean HR are going to walk in one day and find you having a stranglewank in the stationary cupboard while a long line of clients wait for you to finish is it? So why the uproar?

 We’re constantly being told you need to make yourself stand out to prospective employers, show that you’ve got personality, make them remember you. And then, in another breath, we’re being told it’s a no-no to mention anything possibly deemed offensive. At ANY time, ANYONE could put out a tweet that might upset SOMEONE, so how are you meant to cover yourself? Just never go on social networking sites?

Of course you COULD stay away from social networking sites, but then employers want you to be current too. Ahead of the curve. One step ahead of the next big thing. And no matter what profession you’re in, digital media is HUGE and completely cutting yourself off from it is impossible.

 I don’t have a solution for this. My post isn’t really even up for discussion. In my opinion, if we live in a world where you can’t express yourself (through WORDS I hasten to add, it’s not like there’s uproar because individuals are going round c*nt-punting others) then I give up. And if we also live in a word where certain members of staff will ‘dob’ their colleagues in to management for being a bit vulgar on a Saturday night after a glass of wine, even though NONE of their tweets have EVER mentioned work then THEY are the people we need to be firing. For being the sort of twats who went twice on Show And Tell at school. And who are probably so uptight even a fisting from Stretch Armstrong wouldn’t relieve them. When there are Twitter accounts run by paedophiles and racists, we shouldn’t really be focusing our attention on bored housewives or over-worked 20 year olds who like to use the word ‘vagina’ a lot. Let’s get our priorities in order and maybe… who knows? You don’t like what your colleague’s talking about? Don’t read it.

 (I’ll be expecting a call from HR for this)

  1. JL said:

    Was this done during work time?

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