Katie Hopkins. Like A Human, But Worse

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Let’s not get it twisted… none of us are under any illusion Katie Hopkins’ recent Twitter paroxysm is for anything other than another 15 minutes of fame. She IS a putrid embodiment of nescience and superciliousness, but she’s also a media-savvy woman whose eagerness to gain notoriety overrides being a positive role-model to her children.

Hopkins, back in 2007, was in The Daily Mail giving her vaginal cavern a jolly good airing in a field with married Met Office colleague Mark Cross. Prior to this, she’d also ridden fellow Apprentice star Paul Callaghan’s tummy banana because apparently, getting through a few weeks in a confined space with males WITHOUT getting frothy-knickered is just too darn tricky for poor Katie.

I’m not an overly judgemental person. She could bang a transvestite while clad in custard and PVC and that would just be nice for her. However, launch a bunch of belittling tweets including the likes of ‘Dear @marksandspencer, are you able to stop unmarried mothers from shopping there on Wednesdays as they unsettle me?’ and it tugs at my squirrel a tad. Along with the Twitter tirade comes the laughable appearance on This Morning where she berated ‘geographical’ names for children only to admit one of her own goes by ‘India’. Everything this walking, talking clump of bilge water exudes is contradictory.

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Hopkins professes to be an astute business woman, yet her only success in life seems to be groin-f*cking her way into the spotlight and making sure she stays there by being a judgemental basset hound in a wig. Anyone lower class may NOT approach her. Her offspring may NOT play with anyone who doesn’t go by the name Tarquin or Penelope. Called Stacie, Jordan, Summer, Kimberly or Kylie? You’re ‘predisposed to becoming an unmarried mother #fact’ as tweeted last week.

Today, she’s decided Kelly Brook’s a little chubby.  Also that lots of housewives could do with losing some weight and work towards being a size 8 like herself. Considering Hopkins regularly channels ‘it’s 1986 and I’m waitressing at a Tory garden party’ I’m not entirely sure she’s the person to check in with when it comes to ones appearance but who knows.

In a way, I hope Hopkins’ head is SO far up her own arse cave that she sticks to her word and forces a sheltered life upon her children. Then hopefully they’ll grow up with similar values and won’t want to throw themselves under a juggernaut after reading up on her. So far, all they’ve got to work with is that you can get into England’s most awful papers if you talk about how ginger kids make you want to sh*t your hips out and how naming your child something other than Victoria means you probably grew up on a skip, masturbating with a bottle of White Lightning.

The best outcome with all this would be for at least one of Katie’s daughters to hit 18, decide leftie-living is the way for her and start selling falafel from a campervan with a few lesbian friends. It’d also be pretty wicked sticks if Hopkins’ vagina closed up like an angry venus flytrap. Sex is all she’s good for, and once we’ve eliminated that source of income/attention, she can hopefully be out of our lives for good.

3 comments
  1. I like it.

    However, it seems closing Katie Hopkins’ vagina now would be like locking the stable door after the horse has already infected the gene pool with her wannabe snob DNA.

  2. I like it.

    However, it seems closing Katie Hopkins’ vagina now would be like locking the stable door after the horse has already infected the gene pool with her wannabe snob DNA.

  3. My thoughts exactly! To update: she thinks fat people are lazy and eat too much so has become fatter by being lazy and eating too much and will now be trying to lose weight to prove boys called Taylor are stupid…I don’t know I got confused.

    Soph

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