I was at a ball the other evening (I know, I’m basically Naomi Campbell minus being a total nutslug) and some friends and I were discussing our new obsession: Storage Wars. If you’ve been trapped in Simon Callow’s beard and haven’t happened to watch it, then I’d like to confirm it’s the best television programme in the UNIVERSE. Think of Paul Burrell with Princess Diana memorabilia up his bum and you’ve got my happiness level upon finding the next episode on Sky planner.
Anyway, it made me have a think about some of the other things that fall into the ‘I really like it but I really shouldn’t’ category. So here’s like, a pocket-full… there’s many, many more…
1) Squeezing spots
That little yellow dot. The bullseye of the spot world. The second I catch a glimpse of a mound on someone’s back/shoulders/face, I’m on it like Michael Le Vell on an underage teen (allegedly).
2) Celine Dion
She is a French angel. I’m not threatened by her amazingness but I’m not not threatened by it.
3) Fitspo posts on Instagram
I don’t get a frothy vagina from exercising. It’s quite fun and I do it so by the age of 40 I’ll still be able to see my own feet and won’t have an arse crack which smells of soil and brie. Check out my Instagram timeline though and it’s *full* of tanned bodies, exercising tips, healthy food and rainbow coloured gym clothes. Why? Because it makes me feel as though I’m on Laguna Beach in hot pants, eating avocado and rollerblading. When really I’m in Milton Keynes. Eating noodles. And watching Storage Wars (OBVS).
4) Leaving drinks in my bedroom
I’m tidy, and have an obsession with cleaning kitchens. But I also have a tendency to leave cups of drink peppered around my bedroom ’til they grow a nice little mould layer and I have to sliiiiink downstairs and get rid of the evidence before my boyfriend tells me off for being a skank. He might have a point.
5) Playing football
As a bloke, you can go play in the park with a football and that’s just fine. As a girl, you can either play for a proper woman’s team or that’s IT. You don’t just go down the park with a ball. You don’t. (If YOU do then can you shout me so I can come?) The best thing about living with a boy is that he has a ball and we can go kick it in the woods. Makes me happier than a fat person being allowed to wear a t-shirt in a swimming pool.
6) Old men with ponytails
I imagine them to smell of Gandalf, knowledge and pipe smoke and I want to stroke them. If they also happen to be American then they get 15 extra Brownie points.
7) Putting every single call on loudspeaker
It makes me feel like Kim Kardashian in an emergency. Speaking of which…
8) Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
I’d say 98% of people would rather wipe their bum and find blood than watch an episode of KUWTK, and I understand that. But I love that the smallest problem can make Kim do an open-mouthed cry and by the end of the episode, she’s earned enough money to get over it.
9) Cotton-Eye Joe
It is IMPOSSIBLE to feel sad when this song comes on. Anything that’s SO terrible it makes everyone lose their inhibitions works for me. I once watched a boy at school choke on some potato salad and do a sick during a Christmas party because he was so happy this song was being played. I think that says a lot.
10) Laughing and discussing other people’s Facebook statuses
“Had a lovely day with the fam. got up early did washing took kids too mums had a roat dinner (LOL thanks mum!) came home n snuggled on the sofa wiv hubby. Bliss”
Screen-shotted. Sent to all my friends. Have a great laugh.
11) Clicking on Daily Mail articles with ‘WARNING: Graphic Content’
Oh good. A photo of dead children. Yep, that’s someone hanging from a bridge in Mexico. Oh awesome, a soldier shooting a naked civilian in the face why did I click on this again? Why am I on The Daily Mail website? Why am I such a horrible human? Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was 17?
12) Disliking anyone who talks about the forces
I don’t dislike the forces. I just hate people talking about it. I’d sooner high five your nan in the face than listen to you bleat about ‘our boys’.
13) Thinking bad thoughts about girls who innocently write ‘wifey material’
If you do that one more time I’m going to have sex with your boyfriend.
14) The nickname ‘babe’
My tummy feels a bit like fuzzy felt when someone calls me ‘babe’. It feels a bit less fuzzy when ‘baby’ gets used. Fuck right off to drown in a swamp if you’re even contemplating ‘princess’.
I know they’re made from cow eyeballs and pig gooches but they’re YUMMY cow eyeballs and pig gooches.